Me Ya Sa Babu Abinda Yafi Sha'awa Ga Soyayya Sama Da Kwanciyar Hankali

"Kuna ba ni zazzabi lokacin da kuka sumbace ni, Zazzabi lokacin da kuka riƙe ni sosai,
Zazzabi da safe, Zazzabi duk dare. ” - Peggy Lee

Soyayyar soyayya galibi tana hade da tashin hankali. Duk da cewa tabbas yana iya zama kamar haka, na yi imani cewa a cikin al'ummar da muke hanzarta yanzu, kwanciyar hankali shine sabon farin cikin soyayya.

Siffofin Soyayyar Soyayya

"Soyayya ta gaskiya ba ta da ƙarfi, zafi, son zuciya. Yana da, akasin haka, wani abu mai nutsuwa da zurfi. Yana kallo fiye da na waje kawai, kuma yana jan hankalin halaye kawai. Hikima ce da nuna bambanci, kuma sadaukarwarta gaskiya ce kuma mai dawwama. ” - Ellen G. White

Sau da yawa ana kwatanta motsin rai da guguwa da wuta: Ba su da tsayayye, jahohi masu ƙarfi waɗanda ke nuna tashin hankali da tashin hankali. Ana haifar da motsin rai lokacin da muka hango babban canji ko yuwuwar canji a cikin halin da muke ciki (Ben-Ze'ev, 2000). Suna son haɓaka yanayi da sa su zama kamar gaggawa, wanda ke ba mu damar tattara albarkatunmu.

Wannan halayyar kuma ta mamaye cikin kwatancen soyayya. Kamar yadda Betsy Prioleau (2003: 14) yayi gardama, "Ƙauna tana cike da ƙima a cikin ruwa. Yana buƙatar a motsa shi tare da toshewa da wahala kuma a zuga shi da mamaki." Don haka, "Ba a son abin da aka bayar." Muna tsammanin soyayyar ƙauna ta ƙunshi tashin hankali na yau da kullun da motsin rai mara iyaka, ƙaunar ba ta san digiri daban -daban ba kuma ba za ta taɓa yin sulhu ba.

Abubuwan halayen da ke sama sune ainihin gaskiya game da takamaiman nau'in motsin rai - mai ƙarfi, mai da hankali, wanda yawanci yana ɗaukar ɗan gajeren lokaci. Canji ba zai dawwama na dogon lokaci ba; tsarin ɗan adam ba da daɗewa ba ya yarda da canjin a matsayin al'ada, kwanciyar hankali kuma yana daidaitawa.

Amma akwai kuma motsin rai na dindindin, wanda zai iya ci gaba har tsawon rayuwa. Tausayawa mai ɗorewa na iya daidaita halayenmu da halayenmu har abada. Fushin fushi na iya zama na ɗan lokaci, amma baƙin ciki kan asarar ƙaunataccen mutum yana sake faruwa akai -akai, yana canza yanayin mu, halin mu, bunƙasa, da yadda muke alaƙa da lokaci da sarari. Soyayyar da namiji ke dadewa da ita ga matarshi ba zai iya haɗawa da ci gaba da jin daɗi ba, amma yana shafar halayensa da halayensa da ita da sauransu.

Ba duk motsin zuciyar da ke da ƙarfi ba zai iya zama cikin motsin rai mai dorewa, amma soyayya ta soyayya na iya. Dangane da wannan, zamu iya rarrabe tsakanin tsananin soyayya da yaɗuwa. Ƙaunar soyayya ita ce hoton ƙwarewar soyayya a wani lokaci; yana nufin matakin ɗan lokaci na sha'awa, galibi jima'i, sha'awa. Yana da ɗan gajeren lokaci, amma babu wani ci gaba mai mahimmanci.

Na soyayya yawaita shine gogewar soyayya mai gudana wacce ke nuna tsananin ƙarfi da gogewa masu ɗorewa waɗanda ke haɓakawa da haɓaka haɓakar kowane mai ƙauna da alaƙar su. Ana tantance irin wannan soyayyar musamman ta hanyar aiwatar da mu'amala mai ma'ana, wanda ya haɗa ayyukan haɗin gwiwa da kuma raba abubuwan da suka shafi motsin rai. Lokaci yana da kyau kuma yana daidaitawa don yalwar soyayya, kuma yana lalata don tsananin soyayya.

Babban Zaman Lafiya

"Ƙarfafawa shine farin ciki tare da wahayi, motsawa, da ɗan ƙaramin kerawa." —Bo Bennett

"Irin kuzarin da nake jawowa yana da nutsuwa sosai." - Julia Roberts

Za mu iya cewa tashin hankali ba lallai ba ne ɗan taƙaitaccen abin da ya shafi soyayya kawai; yana iya kasancewa wani ɓangare na dangantaka mai gudana mai zurfi. Idan tashin hankali ya haɗa da sha'awar ƙarin koyo game da wani kuma kasancewa tare da wani, yakamata mu ɗauka cewa lokaci na iya haɓaka tashin hankali. Mai zurfi, farin ciki na dogon lokaci na iya haɗawa da takaitattun jihohi na tsananin so. Zamu iya rarrabe tsakanin tashin hankali na sama, tashin hankali mai zurfi da tashin hankali mai zurfi.

Kamar yadda tunanin tashin hankali na iya zama da farko ya zama oxymoron, zan fayyace: Kwanciyar hankali shine jin gaba ɗaya wanda tashin hankali baya nan. Lokacin da ake amfani da “nutsuwa” dangane da yanayi, yana nuna yanayin da ba shi da hadari, iska mai ƙarfi, ko raƙuman ruwa. Kwanciyar hankali ba shi da abubuwa marasa kyau, kamar tashin hankali, tashin hankali, tashin hankali, tashin hankali, ko damuwa; ba lallai bane yana nufin zama mai wuce gona da iri ko rashin aiki mai kyau ko farin ciki mai kyau. A zahiri, kwanciyar hankali shine babban mahimmancin ci gaban mu. Saboda kwanciyar hankali mai zurfi yana da alaƙa da ƙarfi na ciki, yana da ƙarfi da ƙarfi.

A cikin nazarin halayen halayen motsin rai da yanayi, ci gaba na asali guda biyu na girman ji - ci gaba da motsa jiki da ci gaba mai daɗi - suna dacewa. Robert Thayer (1996) yana ba da shawarar raba ci gaba da motsa jiki zuwa iri biyu -ɗaya wanda ya taso daga kuzari zuwa gajiya ɗayan kuma daga tashin hankali zuwa kwanciyar hankali. Don haka, muna da jihohin yanayi guda huɗu: kwantar da hankali, kuzari, gajiya, gajiya, da gajiya. Kowannensu ana iya danganta shi da wani yanayi akan ci gaba da jin daɗi. Don haka, Thayer yana ɗaukar yanayin kwantar da hankali a matsayin mafi daɗi, kuma gajiyawa shine mafi daɗi. Thayer yana nuna cewa mutane da yawa sun kasa bambancewa tsakanin kwanciyar hankali da kuzari tunda sun yi imani da hakan a duk lokacin da suna da kuzari, akwai wani matakin tashin hankali a halin da suke ciki. Thayer ya lura cewa ra'ayin kwantar da hankali baƙon abu ne ga yawancin Yammacin Turai, amma ba ga mutanen da suka fito daga wasu al'adu ba.

Yana ba da fa'ida mai zuwa daga Zen master Shunryu Suzuki (1970: 46):

“Kwanciyar hankali baya nufin yakamata ku daina ayyukanku. Ya kamata a sami kwanciyar hankali na gaske a cikin aikin da kansa. Yana da sauƙin samun nutsuwa a cikin rashin aiki, amma kwanciyar hankali a cikin aiki shine kwanciyar hankali na gaskiya. ”

Ana iya samun irin wannan kwanciyar hankali mai ƙarfi a cikin ayyuka masu zurfi, waɗanda ke cikin tsarin ci gaban ɗan adam. Tunda irin waɗannan ayyukan suna da ban sha'awa, zamu iya yin magana game da farin ciki mai zurfi.

Balaga da kwanciyar hankali

"Ya buge ni cewa muna 'nuna hali' (a zahiri, ba ma yin ɗabi'a) kamar matasa; ba za mu iya aƙalla ƙoƙarin ƙoƙarin nuna hali kamar mun balaga ba? Ina jin kamar na sake zama ashirin." - Matar aure ga masoyinta na aure (duka a cikin 50s)

Balaga kamar ya yi daidai da sabon abu da tashin hankali; matasa ana ɗaukar su fiye da tsofaffi fiye da motsin rai. Ƙarfin soyayya na ɗan gajeren lokaci yawanci yana haifar da canji, sabon canji, yayin da ƙauna mai zurfi na dogon lokaci ya dogara ne akan ci gaban asali na saba. A tsakiyar tsohon akwai tashin hankali mara tsari; a tsakiyar ƙarshen shine kwanciyar hankali (kwanciyar hankali, kwanciyar hankali), wanda ya haɗa da balaga (Mogilner, et al., 2011).

Dangane da waɗannan bambance -bambancen, zato gama gari cewa "farin ciki yana raguwa da shekaru" ana samun ƙarya ne. Akasin haka, bincike ya nuna cewa tsofaffi a zahiri mai farin ciki kuma Kara gamsu da rayuwarsu fiye da matasa. Explanationaya daga cikin bayanin da zai yiwu shine lokacin da muka fahimci cewa shekarunmu sun ƙidaya, muna canza yanayinmu kuma muna mai da hankali kan ingantattun abubuwan yau da kullun. A cikin waɗannan yanayi, abubuwan da muke ji na motsin rai sun fi kunshi kwanciyar hankali. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a taƙaice waɗannan binciken, ya lura cewa ga mafi yawan mutane, “mafi kyawun shekaru” suna cikin rabi na biyu na rayuwa (Lyubomirsky, 2013; duba kuma Carstensen, 2009; Carstensen, et al., 2011).

An gano cewa tsofaffi suna ganin matansu suna da ɗumi yayin rashin jituwa da ayyukan haɗin gwiwa kuma suna ba da rahoton gamsuwar aure. Tsofaffin ma'aurata suna da karancin rikice -rikicen aure fiye da takwarorinsu ƙanana, kodayake suna ba da rahoton cewa alaƙar lalata ba ta da mahimmanci a rayuwarsu. Ƙaunar abota, wacce ta ginu akan abota, da alama alama ce ta rayuwarsu. Gabaɗaya, alaƙar alaƙa a cikin tsufa jituwa ce kuma mai gamsarwa (Berscheid, 2010; Charles & Carstensen, 2009).

Kwanciyar Hankali cikin Ayyukan Romantic

"Romance yana da ƙarfi. Soyayya ta kwanta. ” -Mason Cooley

Kwarewar soyayya mai zurfi ta ƙunshi ayyuka na asali masu ma'ana, waɗanda ke haɓaka bunƙasa kowane mai ƙauna har ma da haɗin kansu.Karuwanci yana da alaƙa da rikitarwa. Don son wani mai zurfi ya ƙunshi ɗabi'ar gabaɗaya wacce ke gane wadatacce, ma'ana, da rikitarwa na ƙaunatacce. Halin ɗabi'a ga wani shine tsinkayar mutum cikin sauƙi da taƙaice, tare da yin watsi da zurfin halayen mutum.

Ƙaunar soyayya tana hana asarar ƙarfi wanda in ba haka ba zai faru da lokaci. Lokacin da soyayya take da zurfi, ayyukan soyayya na iya zama natsuwa kuma duk da haka mai ban sha'awa. Kwanciyar hankali na soyayya yana da alaƙa da babban amana da ke cikin alaƙar ƙauna; farin ciki yana samuwa daga jin daɗin haɓaka da samun mafi kyawun abin da kai da abokin tarayya.

Abubuwan da ke sama na iya warware matsalar da mutane ke ciki lokacin da suke son alaƙar soyayya duka biyun m da barga. Mutane suna son soyayyar soyayyar su ta zama mai ban sha'awa; suna so su ji cikakken rai kuma suna matukar farin ciki. Taken ɗakin hira mai taken "Mai Aure da Nishaɗi" shine "Mai Aure, Bai Mutu ba" - wannan ɗakin hira ya yi alƙawarin ba membobinta "damar sake jin daɗin rayuwa." Amma irin wannan tashin hankali na sama ba ya haɗa da sha'awar ci gaba, yarda, ko sha'awar ƙarin sani game da ɗayan. A cikin ƙauna mai zurfi, zaku iya rasa wasu abubuwan farin ciki na sama, amma ku sami farin ciki na dogon lokaci, kwanciyar hankali wanda ya haɗa da sani da mu'amala da juna.

Wane Irin Sha'awa Ka zaba?

“Na gano al’ajabin soyayya (sabuwa, sabuwa) tare da gano salama mai ban mamaki da ke fure a cikina. Duk abin shiru ne, kwanciyar hankali, ba tare da damuwa da tashin hankali ba. ” -Yahudu Ben-Ze'ev

A cikin al'umma mara kwanciyar hankali bisa dogaro da inganci, muna cike da annashuwa. Mutane sannu a hankali kuma masu zurfin tunani sau da yawa suna faɗuwa cikin saurin hanzari; mutane masu sauri da na waje suna da baki. Cibiyoyin sadarwar jama'a suna yin haɗin gwiwa tsakanin mutane cikin sauri da ƙarancin zurfi, yana rage yawan soyayya da haɓaka matsalar kaɗaici, wanda ba a haifar da shi ta hanyar rashin haɗin gwiwar zamantakewa, amma ta rashin mai ma'ana, mai zurfi sadarwar zamantakewa.

Al'umman zamani suna ba mu ɗimbin farin ciki na sama, amma ɗan ƙaramin farin ciki. Hanya ta sama ta fi kyau kuma ta bayyana tana ba da ƙarin dama. Biyo bayan ɗan gajeren tashin hankali, duk da haka, galibi shine matsalar ba mafita ba. Lokacin da waɗannan abubuwan suka faru sau da yawa, suna iya zama mai daɗi da takaici.

Lallai ba na musun darajar guguwa, abubuwan ban sha'awa, waɗanda galibi suna da daɗi. Ban kuma musanta cewa akwai cinikin tsakanin tashin hankali na sama da yalwar soyayya; duk da haka, wannan ba ciniki bane tsakanin tsananin tashin hankali da rashi na tashin hankali. Maimakon haka, zaɓin mu yana tsakanin lokaci -lokaci, takaitattun jihohi na farin ciki na sama da na gogewa mai gudana na tsananin tashin hankali.

Yayin da muke rayuwa tsawon lokaci, kuma al'ummar mu tana ba mu ɗimbin abubuwan da ba a iya gani ba, abubuwan ban sha'awa, ƙimar zurfafa, kwanciyar hankali ya ƙaru sosai. Don zama masu farin ciki a kwanakin nan, ba ma buƙatar ƙarin abubuwan da ba za a iya gani ba. Maimakon haka, muna buƙatar ikon kafawa, kulawa, da haɓaka zurfafa, kwanciyar hankali. A yanayi da yawa, yakamata mu fi son yalwa da sanin nutsuwa a matsayin sabon farin cikin soyayya.

Berscheid, E. (2010). Soyayya a kashi na hudu. Binciken Shekara-shekara na Psychology, 61, 1-25.

Carstensen, L. L., (2009). Dogon haske mai haske. Broadway.

Carstensen, LL, et al., (2011). Kwarewar motsin rai yana inganta tare da shekaru. Psychology da tsufa, 26, 21-33.

Charles, TS & Carstensen, L. L. (2009). Zamantakewar zamantakewa da tunani. Binciken Shekara -shekara na Ilimin halin ɗan Adam, 61, 383–409.

Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Labarin farin ciki. Penguin.

Mogilner, C., Kamvar, S., D., & Aaker, J. (2011). Ma'anar juyawa ta farin ciki. Ilimin halin dan Adam da Kimiyyar Halittu, 2, 395-402.

Prioleau, B. (2003). Mai lalata: Matan da suka lalata duniya da fasahar soyayyarsu da ta ɓace. Viking.

Suzuki, S. (1970). Zuciyar Zen, tunanin Mafari. Yanayin yanayi.

Thayer, RA (1996). Asalin yanayi na yau da kullun. Jami'ar Oxford.