Shin yakamata kuyi tsammanin Ƙari daga alakar ku, ko Kadan?

Dukanmu muna da tsammanin dangantakar soyayya. Amma ya kamata mu kasance kiwon ko ragewa wadancan tsammanin? Shin ya fi kyau a sanya ƙa'idodinmu masu girma, don haka za a motsa mu mu yi aiki don ƙirƙirar mafi kyawun dangantakar? Ko kuma yana da kyau mu kiyaye abubuwan da muke tsammanin, don kada mu yi baƙin ciki lokacin da dangantaka ta zama ƙasa da cikakke?

Frameworkaya daga cikin fa'idodi masu amfani don yin tunani game da wannan tambayar Eli Finkel da abokan aiki sun ba da shawarar: "Tsarin Suffocation." ¹ Suna da'awar cewa auren zamani ya zama mafi buƙata saboda muna tsammanin zai cika buƙatun tunani mafi girma kuma mafi girma kuma mun fara "shaƙa" yayin bin waɗannan buƙatun "tsayi-tsayi". A baya, aure ya ginu ne bisa la’akari da abubuwa kamar haɓaka iyali, da biyan buƙatunmu don a ƙaunace mu. Amma a cikin shekarun da suka gabata, mutane sun fara tsammanin ƙarin abubuwa daga aure -musamman, da yawa daga cikin mu yanzu suna tsammanin cewa alaƙar mu za ta cika mu darajar girma (girman kai da bayyana kai) da namu bukatun aiwatar da kai , kamar bayar da dama don haɓaka mutum da taimaka mana mu zama mafi kyawunmu.

A cewar James McNulty, ana iya amfani da ƙirar ƙuƙwalwar don fahimtar ƙa'idodin dangantaka saboda yana jaddada mahimmancin ba kawai tsammanin mu ba, amma yadda suke dacewa da babban mahallin dangantaka. ² Wasu ma'aurata, koda kuwa suna da ƙwarin gwiwa don haɓaka alaƙar su, har yanzu ba sa iya yin hakan. Wahala a waje, lamuran mutumci, da rashin ƙwarewar ɗan adam na iya sa ya zama da wahala dangantaka ta bunƙasa. Don haka tsammanin da yawa na iya motsa mutane su yi aiki tuƙuru kan alaƙar su - amma ko wannan motsawar tana fassara zuwa ingantattun abubuwa ya dogara da ikon ma'aurata na yin waɗannan canje -canjen. Kuma yayin da mutane ke tsammanin ƙari da yawa daga alaƙar su, ƙananan ma'aurata na iya mallakar ƙwarewar da ake buƙata.

Don gwada wannan hasashe, McNulty yayi nazarin sabbin ma'aurata 135, waɗanda suka yi aure tsawon watanni shida ko ƙasa da haka. ² An yi fim ɗin ma'auratan yayin da suke tattaunawa biyu game da matsalar matsala a cikin aurensu, kuma sun kammala matakan ma'aunan dangantaka biyu. Bugu da ƙari, kowace mata ta kammala matakan matsalolin dangantaka da ingancin aure kowane watanni shida zuwa takwas na kusan shekaru huɗu.

An auna ma'aunin dangantakar ma'aurata ta hanyoyi biyu: Na farko, sun kimanta yadda yake da mahimmanci a gare su cewa dangantakar su ta haɗu da halayen da za a yi la'akari da su "mai-tsayi"-takamaiman halayen da aka tantance sun haɗa da gaskiya, sadaukarwa, kulawa, tallafi, girmamawa, farin ciki, ƙalubale, nishaɗi, 'yancin kai, da shauki.Haka kuma sun kimanta yadda muhimman wurare 17 na dangantaka suka kasance gare su, gami da sadarwa, sarrafa kuɗi, jima'i, da' yancin kai.

Babban maƙasudin binciken shine a tantance ko iyawar ma'aurata don haɓaka alaƙar su za ta tantance idan babban tsammanin shine mai ceton dangantaka ko ɓata ta. An auna waɗannan dabarun alaƙar ta hanyoyi biyu: involvedaya ya haɗa da yin rikodin tattaunawar dakin gwaje -gwaje na rikici. Coders ya kalli ma'auratan don alamun munanan halaye mara kyau, nau'in halayyar rikici wanda aka nuna yana da matsala. Waɗannan halayen sun haɗa da zargi kai tsaye ko umarni waɗanda suka haɗa da yin zato game da yanayin tunanin abokin tarayyar ku (misali, “Na san yadda kuke ji game da wannan”); tambayoyi masu adawa (misali, “Me na gaya muku game da wannan?”); guje wa alhakin (misali, “Ba zan iya taimaka masa ba, yadda nake kawai); da sarcasm.

An kuma tantance ƙwarewa ta hanyar tantance yadda matsalolin ma'aurata suka yi tsanani a farkon aurensu. An nemi ma'aurata su ƙima gwargwadon yadda wurare 17 daban-daban masu yuwuwar matsala sun riga sun zama matsala a cikin alaƙar su (misali, kuɗi, surukai, jima'i, kwayoyi/giya). Kodayake matsalolin dangantaka na iya zama sakamakon manyan ƙa'idodi, an ɗauke su don nuna alamar yadda ma'aurata suka iya yarjejeniyar tare da matsaloli a farkon auren su, kuma ta haka ne a matsayin tunanin dabarun dangantaka.

Shin babban tsammanin yana da kyau ga wasu ma'aurata ba wasu ba?

Sakamakon ya nuna cewa ga ma'aurata waɗanda ke da ƙarancin ƙwarewar alaƙa - waɗanda ke yin halayen ƙiyayya a fakaice yayin tattaunawar rikice -rikice, ko kuma suna da manyan matsalolin da za a fara da su - an danganta manyan tsammanin matalauta ingancin aure. Ga waɗannan ma'aurata, babban tsammanin yana da wuyar saduwa, kuma wataƙila sun ƙare da takaici da takaici.

Ma'aurata da ƙwarewar alaƙar da ke tsakanin su sun nuna kishiyar tsarin: Babban alaƙa an haɗa su mafi kyau ingancin aure. Don haka ga ma'aurata wadanda da ikon haɓaka alaƙar su, babban tsammanin na iya zama mai motsawa don amfani da ƙwarewar su kuma da gaske inganta ingancin alaƙar su.

Menene wannan ke nufi ga ma'auratan da ke son yin farin ciki?

Yana ba da shawarar hanyoyi guda biyu: Ma'aurata na iya yin aiki a kan ƙwarewar su, don su cika aikin cika tsammanin su - kuma galibi wannan dabara ce da ƙwararrun masana shawara da masu ilimin ma'aurata ke ba da shawarar.

Amma wannan sabon binciken yana nuna cewa ma'aurata na iya son yin la'akari rage darajar su . Wannan na iya zama kamar "dainawa" akan alaƙar. Amma ba lallai bane ya zama haka.

Ka yi tunanin irin wannan shawarar da aka yi amfani da ita don gamsuwa da jikinka: Za ka iya fara bin shawarwarin abinci sosai don asarar nauyi da kuma kammala ayyukan da za su iya sautin matsalolin yankunan ka. Haɓaka waɗannan ƙwarewar zai kawo jikin ku cikin daidaituwa tare da ƙa'idodin ku, kuma wataƙila yana ƙara gamsuwa da jikin ku. Amma kuma kuna iya rage ƙimar ku kuma ku ce, "Da gaske ba shi da mahimmanci a gare ni cewa ina da fakiti shida." Kuma wannan canjin halayen zai ƙarshe sa ku gamsu da jikin ku.

Wannan ba yana nufin cewa bai kamata ku yi tsammanin komai daga dangantakarku ba; a maimakon haka, ƙila za ku so yin la’akari da canza ƙa'idodin ku don kada ku sa ran abokin tarayya zai cika duk buƙatun ku kuma ya cika ku gaba ɗaya.

Don haka ku tambayi kanku: Shin kuna "kumbura" yayin da kuke ƙoƙarin cika tsammanin sama-sama a cikin dangantakar ku?

Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D. Mataimakin farfesa ne na ilimin halin ɗan adam a Kwalejin Albright wanda ke nazarin alaƙa da cyberpsychology. Bi ta kan Twitter don sabuntawa game da ilimin halayyar ɗan adam, alaƙa, da halayyar kan layi, kuma karanta ƙarin labaran ta akan Abubuwan Taɗi.

Nassoshi

^{1 Finkel, EJ, Hui, CM, Carswell, KL, & Larson, G.M (2014). Cutar da aure: Hawan Dutsen Maslow ba tare da isasshen iskar oxygen ba. Tambayar Ilimin Hauka, 25, 1-41.}

^{2 McNulty, JK (2016). Shin yakamata ma'aurata su nemi ƙarancin kuɗi daga aure? Halin mahallin mahallin akan abubuwan da ke tattare da matsayin mutane. Bulletin mutum da zamantakewa na zamantakewa, 42, 444-457.}